Next Trip Back to LA

June 9-25.

My Appearance... According to Children

One summer during my early teens, my church was at a particular retreat site that was managed by a married couple. This couple had an adorable little girl. I think she was probably 3-years-old at the time. Needless to say, all my teenage friends and I wanted to play with this little girl. She happily played with everyone except me. Finally, her dad asked her why she didn't want to play with me. Her response was, "Because she's ugly."

I never forgot that incident. This was hard to hear as an awkward teenage girl. I never thought I was physically attractive, but to hear it confirmed by a child really hurt. After all, aren't children naturally honest?

But I received a bit of redemption this week.

I was in LA these past couple of weeks. (I'm now at LAX waiting for my flight back to Vancouver.) To catch up with each others' lives, Angela and I decided to go out for dinner on Sunday night. We went to a Shanghainese restaurant (Mama's Lu Dumpling House) that my mom recommended. When we walked into the restaurant, Charice was there, along with her husband, 3-year-old twins, new baby girl, mom and aunt. It was such a pleasant surprise to see them all. But because it was our "catching-up time," Angela and I did not join them for dinner.

Towards the end of dinner, Maddie (the girl twin) came up to me and just stood there smiling at me. After several seconds, she finally said to me, "You're very beautiful."

Maybe I've grown out of my awkward teenage phase or maybe Maddie is less selective. Whatever the reason, Maddie absolutely made my day... actually my week. Thanks Maddie.

"Soul of Ministry" Small Group

For my "Soul of Ministry" class this past term, we were assigned into a small group. We met once per week. Initially, I was reluctant because I don't like forced intimacy and that's I felt was being expected of us. But I ended up absolutely loving this group. Ben, Kirk, J.J., Momin and I got along very well. We were appropriately open with each other, but did not overly divulge everything in our lives... sharing, laughing, praying, eating.

Kirk even made a funny collage for us at our last meeting. Notice the green roof that is so characteristic of the Regent College building. From left to right: Ross (our professor), [Jesus?], Momin, J.J., me, Ben, Kirk)
Then, this past week after we all finished our last papers of the term (except Ben), we had dinner. For this, we included the spouses. J.J. and Kirk both brought their wives, Lisa and Rachel. Ben's fiance, Anna, joined us after we already took the picture. From left to right: me, Kirk, Rachel, Lisa, J.J., Momin, Ben.

I don't know if we will continue to be close because we all come from such different places and backgrounds, but I am grateful for them.

Jesus said:
"For where two or three come together in my name,
there am I with them."
Matthew 18:20.

Zit Zapping

Ever since I changed my facial hygiene regimen several years ago, I rarely ever get acne. Recently, however, due to a lack of sleep and poor eating habits, I've been breaking out. But I'm glad to say that none of the pimples have gone full-blown.

Let me share my secret with you... as soon I see a pimple at its early stages, I dab a little white vinegar directly to it with a cotton ball. In a few hours (usually overnight), the zit is zapped. If you have very sensitive skin, it might be better to use mouthwash instead of vinegar.

* Note: To avoid too much drying of the skin, do not rub in the vinegar or dab too many times. Just one or two gentle dabs is all that is needed.

Community Parties

Recently, I had the blessed opportunity to work with others to throw a party for a friend. The planning process was interesting because everyone seemed to have different ideas, but since not all the organizers knew each other well, there were some hiccups along the way. But one thing really stood out for me. One of the people helping to plan kept saying that the guest-of-honor was the most important. In essence, this person was saying that whatever the guest-of-honor would want or like is what we, as the people throwing the party, should do.

At first glance to most people, this probably appears to be a great way of looking at things. It really makes the guest-of-honor feel honored, special and loved. But, somehow, this mentality rubs me the wrong way.

This is probably more of a Christian principle about community, but I think it is important in general. A party is a social celebration. While the principle purpose of the party may be to honor a person(s), every aspect of the party should not be geared towards him/her/them. There are other people involved. Therefore, it is important to consider what the other guests may like as well. The guest-of-honor should still be held in high regards, but doing things for the guest-of-honor should never trump the importance of making the event enjoyable for EVERYONE, including those who are throwing the party.

Perhaps I have thought more about this than most people because I'm an event planner. One of my pet peeves when helping clients plan an event, especially a wedding, is when they don't consider the guests enough. It drives me nuts when a couple wants to do things that suit them, but are willing to put their friends, family, guests, and/or wedding party through financial hardship, extensive time occupation, or a lot of excessive work just to get what they want.

For example, I don't think it's right to choose a venue with excessive parking fees merely because you like the venue. (solution: pay for all or part of the parking, pick a venue with cheaper or free parking and/or advise people of cheaper or free parking nearby.) There are so many other things I've seen and observed... but it's probably best to not list them all for fear of offending my community.

In most instances, as I'm sure was the case with the party we recently planned, people don't intentionally try to make things difficult for others. It's just that intentional consideration is not usually present in decision-making. Does that make sense?

When a party is done well, the guest(s)-of-honor will feel special, honored and loved... but so will everyone else!

But the good thing is that the aforementioned party actually ended up being enjoyed by everyone. It's good to know that God works through all our inadequacies. =)

The Sweetest Medal

Back in June 2007, Jesse, Wing and I joined the Pasadena Marathon Founders' Club in anticipation of an inaugural marathon in the city of Pasadena. At the time, we had no idea when the marathon would take place... if at all.

Finally, it was announced that the first ever Pasadena Marathon would take place on Sunday, November 16, 2008. I trained and made arrangements to fly back to LA from Vancouver for that weekend. I arrived on Friday and picked up my race packet on Saturday morning. All seemed to be going well except for the raging wildfires in southern California at the time. On Sunday morning, I woke up at 3:30AM and put on all my running gear. With time to spare, I decided to check my email before heading out at 4:30AM. There was an email from the marathon committee, sent the night before, saying that the marathon might get canceled and that they would send out an announcement at 4:00AM. So, I sat around and kept refreshing my browser. Finally, just a little after 4:00AM, an email was sent out announcing the marathon's cancellation due to the unhealthy air quality caused by the fires. What a disappointment!

Then, in December 2008, the committee announced the rescheduling of the Pasadena Marathon for Sunday, March 22, 2009. Again, I made arrangements to fly back to California for the race. However, due to a heavy school workload, bad weather in Vancouver, and an injured right knee, my training was nearly non-existent.

This weekend, I was still working on schoolwork, got ready for houseguests and worked a wedding. On Sunday, I woke up at 3:30AM... dreading the race. True to the news forecast, it was raining. But I also felt reassurance because Lance agreed to run the whole race (26.2 miles) with me. "Besides," I thought to myself, "It's LA — the rain will not be bad and it will surely let up by the time the race starts."

Boy was I wrong! Lance and I had to put on and take off our trashbags several times during the first half of the marathon. The rain and wind were torrential. And with the water in our shoes and socks, we both started developing blisters on our feet early on. Finally, at mile 10, I told Lance that I really needed a bandage to cover my blister. Otherwise, I would not be able to continue. He said that there would be a medic center at mile 13, so we persisted.

At mile 13, I saw a trailer and started yelling to the people there, "Do you have a band-aid? I really need a band-aid!!!" The man said that he did not know if they had any, but would check. They did end up finding some and gave us several of them. Lance and I pulled over to the sidewalk to put on the band-aids. As we were doing this, I said to Lance, "What a stupid medic center! They didn't even know if they had band-aids." Then, Lance said, "That wasn't the medic center. They're just spectators. The medic center is a few yards down." Boy did I feel stupid. And those poor spectators must have thought I was the most ungracious person ever.

After we bandaged ourselves up, I was feeling much better. We ran and walked several more miles. At times, I was ahead of Lance. At other times, he was ahead of me. Finally, after passing the mile 21 marker, I realized that I hadn't seen Lance in awhile. So, I pulled over and sat at the side of the road to wait for him. He came hobbling along in evident pain. He said that his blisters had spread and were merging with each other.

I had the choice of proceeding in front of him or walking the rest of the way with him. It was a tough choice, but I finally decided to stay with him. After all, he was planning on sticking with me the whole time even when he thought earlier that I would be the slower one. So, we walked together at a very slow pace the rest of the way... with people passing us by, with the sweeping van stopping to ask us if we needed help, and with a medic van offering to help Lance. But, Lance refused to quit.

We were taking so long that the streets were all re-opened for traffic and we were pushed to the sidewalk. By the time we reached the finish line, the timing chip sensor had been removed and they had to take our times manually (8:04:18). But when the man at the finish line put the medal around my neck, I was so happy. (I later found out that Wing had to stall the man to get him to stay until we finished. Apparently, he was planning to leave and stop distributing medals.)

I have ran many races and have received many finishers' medals, but this particular medal means the most to me. It was physically exhausting. The road before it was frustrating. And the emotional and mental decisions I had to make along the way were not easy. In many ways, this was the sweetest medal!

An Article to Ponder

While trying to do some research on Henri Nouwen, I came across this article. It's a bit long, but I hope you can find the time to read it. It strives to be honest AND biblical, but is it? The concept of homosexuality is a very hot topic in the church today... how do we respond as a community living in the world? I'm curious about any thoughts anyone might have about it.

The great "I am" -May 14, 2002
by Tony Cross

A crisis of identity is something that surely most of us have experienced at some time or another.

Every gay man either knows from day one that he is gay or has to come to that realization - often painfully - at some later stage in his life. It may be when in his teens, or twenties - or it may be deferred until later on. But sooner or later we all have to face the question - who am I really? - Is this really me?

Although at the time we find going through an identity crisis difficult, often at the end of the process we are clearer, more defined and more at peace with ourselves. Why is that? Perhaps because we have come to a deeper understanding of ourselves. We have integrated into our consciousness another aspect of ourselves that seemed to stand out but actually, we now see, are very much a part of the real me.

I started down this line of thinking this morning because I have just reached the last few pages of a biography of Henri Nouwen (Wounded Prophet, by Michael Ford £10.95, Darton, Longman and Todd). If you have never read any of the books by Nouwen you have a treat in store. They are deeply personal and almost universal in their appeal.

Henri Nouwen was a Roman Catholic priest who was gay. As he was born in 1932, he lived through a time when being gay was just not acceptable to anyone. Except to other gay people, that is! You might ask - well, what has changed? But the very fact that homosexuality was unmentionable in those days is indicative of the sort of atmosphere which surrounded gay people. It is almost impossible for people today to realize what a dark black shadow hung over the whole subject. And how those who suspected or knew that they were gay (a word not then invented) were caught up in huge doubts within themselves about their standing, both as people and as Christians.

Henri Nouwen died when he was 62 and although he seems to have known he was gay from a fairly early age, it seems he was only able to accept and integrate the fact of his gayness in the last decade or two of his life. In the early stages, like most other gay people, the disapproval of society and the churches forced him to think that his gayness was not only odd and deviant, but also evil and a thing to be hidden away. Indeed, in mid life, he underwent a severe nervous breakdown - and there cannot be any doubt that his homosexuality was the main reason for that.

As I read about Henri Nouwen in 'Wounded Prophet', I often felt I could understand from my own experience what he went through. As a gay person, I feel I can identify with him and with his writings almost instinctively. I can understand his frenetic activity. Have we not all hidden from our own innermost questions behind work at times? I can understand his inner weaving of a relationship with another man, but without that other man ever realizing how deeply it had affected Henri. I can identify with the feeling of obsession - with a man or with an idea. I can imagine the attraction of virile young men on the flying trapeze for a gay man. I can - do - feel the openness of heart and feelings towards all he met, and an outgoing love to all - a sublimation of the love of God in one's heart and the result of repression of one's natural instincts.

Above all I can imagine the torment that went on in Henri Nouwen's soul as he struggled with the desperate desire to be true to himself as against the natural and strong desire to be true to his vast worldwide public - none of who knew he was gay. Should he come out? Should he leave the priesthood and find the intimacy he craved with one of the loving men he already knew, or some other man whom God might send along? Should he declare himself and thereby possibly ruin himself in the eyes of many 'correct' homophobic Christians who were not yet at the stage where they could accept homosexuality as being a state blessed by God? Could he perhaps have a new and wider ministry if he came out - and so start to help Christians everywhere face the fact - the reality - that God created some people homosexual and that was acceptable?

The man went through torment. But he turned it all over to God. At times he could only turn over the desire to turn it over to God. Sometimes he could only turn over the desire to want to turn it all over to God! And sometimes he was so paralyzed that he could only sit still and wait for God to rescue him.

So it is with us all. We face our own identity crises. We may face many identity crises. There is the one about becoming a Christian. That is not an easy one. Then there is the crisis about accepting, before God, our gayness. That is not easy. Then there is the ever-present question of whether we should 'live a lie' or whether we should 'tell the world'. Or some alternative between the two extremes. That is never an easy one - and if one decides for anything less than full disclosure then one goes on wondering for the rest of one's life whether one has gone far enough!

Life is a sequence of identity crises. Over and over again we think we have got things sorted. Ordered. Organized. But then suddenly, or gradually, we become aware that we are up against a new problem - a new decision that has to be made.

This process actually has a name - it is the journey of life. The pilgrimage through life. It is a basic and fundamental part of being human. We will have crises about our faith, our religion, our work, our friends, our everything. So what does that tell us? That all of life is an ongoing process of redefining ourselves in the light of experience.

For many years I blocked the idea that I was gay. I had so programmed myself (because of how I interpreted the bible, the illegality of homosexuality, the attitudes in society, the church rigidity etc.) against the idea that I could be homosexual. I could not countenance the fact of my own gayness. I lived as good a Christian life as I could and I was happy. I lost all conscious sense of being gay. Except of course that I was restless. The same sort of restlessness that Henri Nouwen had. A constant seeking to do better, to reach more people, to help others more, to be more loving, always experiencing a feeling of incompleteness, of there having to be more.

Then suddenly I discovered (perhaps rediscovered is more accurate) my gayness. It does not matter how it occurred. Suffice to say that for me the awakening did not come gradually. It came like a thunderbolt. One morning I woke up happy with who I was but by the time I went to bed my whole world had collapsed around me. I no longer knew who I was, nor how I stood with God, nor how I stood in my church, nor my family, nor even myself. Did I like what I now realized I was? Did I want to fight it or indulge it? Was I sick? Or was I deluded? Was I 'possessed'? Was I 'perverted'?

Over the next decade I came to terms with who I really was, and to understand the grace and mercy and love of God in an even deeper way. I realized how blind people are about their prejudice against gay people and recognized the blindness of the churches. It was a bumpy ride. But at the end of it my faith was stronger, my relationship with my Creator was deeper, my fear largely gone.

I went through an identity crisis. And, by God's grace, I have come out the other side. And I think I have a much clearer vision now. A similar thing obviously happened to Henri Nouwen. It probably happened to you too. Each story is fascinating - it is the story of a person's realization of the incredible depth of the love of God. It is a realization of the purpose of life - this pilgrimage towards God.

So if you are having problems about your identity - don't despair. Tell God about it and ask him to help you sort out the way forward one step at a time. You may find the many helpful sites on the internet. Possibly join a discussion group - and stay as a lurker for several months while you sound out the attitudes of those posting messages. Maybe join a Christian group of gay people - discover that you are just one among many hundreds and thousands of gay Christians trying to make sense of it all.

Ask God to help you find a friend who loves you for yourself. Ask him to help you keep your physical desires in the right place. Ask him to send you someone you can share with - maybe even someone whom you can love and who will love you. Ask him to help you treat all those around you with love and honesty. Ask him to give you the grace of tolerance with all who disagree with you. And remember that the world is a big place and that your own particular worries and grievances shrink down to the right size in the light of the problems and difficulties of many Christians in the world.

Do you have enough to eat? Do you have somewhere to sleep? Do you have at least one friend? Do you have a job? Then you are among the world's most fortunate people. Thank God for all you have and ask him to help you grow to match the challenges in your life. Treat each day as a special gift. Cultivate a grateful heart that looks for your Creator God in every person you meet, every situation that arises. Your true identity is in Christ. He is our hope and our salvation.