"Missional Living" Sunday School Reflections

Although I knew that mission work did not have to involve getting on a plane and going to another country, there was still a part of me that believed that it was not fully mission work unless I traveled elsewhere. But since taking classes at Regent College and learning to read the Bible better, I have know otherwise. True mission work is wherever I am. This is not because I can do so much. It is because God is a missional God. And since He has a desire for all humanity to know and love Him, mission exists everywhere, including the hodgepodge suburban city of Monterey Park—the city in which I reside and attend church.

As an intern for Kingdom Causes, my basic job description involves helping my own church in Monterey Park to be more missional in our own community. But the general mentality of the people who attend my church is still very much like mine was before learning more about missional living. Furthermore, we are also stifled by our fear that being missional means that we have to be gifted in evangelism or at least know how to logically defend the faith in which we believe to skeptical friends and family.

In a desire to dispel misconceptions about being missional, to see our church more relevant in our community and to see our church’s people being missional in their everyday lives, Sunday school seemed like a good place to make a dent. I talked with Jesse about it and he seemed to agree. After getting approval from the pastoral staff, we taught a “Missional Living” Sunday school class in the fall quarter.

In the class, we basically covered four big concepts with Bible learning, application discussion and field trips. Here is a short and imperfect summary of each concept:

• Incarnational Hospitality: Jesus was hospitable (welcoming) everywhere he went—in others’ homes and in public areas. How can we be hospitable everywhere we go—in our residential neighborhoods, in our churches’ surrounding community, at the grocery store, in restaurants, while eating with our friends/family, while driving, etc.?
• Shalom: Because of sin, we are no longer fully in shalom. In other words, we are not wholly the creations that God wants us to be. How do we seek shalom (wholeness) for ourselves and in others?
• Kingdom of God: God’s kingdom is not a place; it is His realm over all things. It is here and not yet. This is the concept that God is in control, and not us. When we do mission work (as all ministry should be), we are not doing things for God, but we are participating in what God is already doing for His people.
• Church of the City: In the past, there used to only be one church in each community. That church was then responsible for the spiritual growth of the entire city. But in the present, there are often several churches in one city. In Monterey Park alone, there are over 25 churches. How can all these churches (despite different denominations, cultures and buildings) work together as the Church of the City?

Now that the official class has ended, Jesse asked me to write down a few reflections.

Highlights:

• Most of the students were regularly consistent. I hope this means they were interested and learning.
• A few of the students told me that they were seeing their lives differently—seeing how being hospitable to those around them was part of being missional.
• Our McDonald’s field trip showed us that people in the city are in need and how we can be hospitable in a public setting.
• Our church-visiting field trip opened our eyes to what other churches are doing in Monterey Park and how we can maybe join forces in being the Church of the City.

Challenges:

• One quarter of Sunday school is not sufficient. In fact, two years of seminary are not sufficient for fully learning about our missional God and how we can participate. But in being and doing, I hope we will all keep learning.
• There are over 700 regular weekly attenders at my church. Only 10-15 students were in the Sunday school class. We wanted more. But the hope is that these few will spread the word. After all, the entire Christian church spread from 11 totally inadequate guys who learned to follow Jesus closely.
• I wish our pastors and our key leaders were more interested in working with other churches. I think that that’s the downfall of being in a larger church. We are so big and have so many resources that we think we can handle many things on our own. But so much more could be done when the Church of the City works together.

Regarding this Sunday school, Jesse asked me, “Would you do this again?” My answer is “Yes.”

This entry can also be found in City Blog.

Theology of Caring for Creation

Before I moved to Vancouver, I did very little to care for creation (the environment). Yes, I recycled my bottles and I brought my own grocery bags to the market when I remembered, but my reasons for doing so had very little to do with God and mostly to do with getting back my bottle deposits and not wanting extraneous plastic bags at my house.

But in Regent, I learned that it's important to care for the world that God has created for us. If Christians believe that our world (and universe) is a creation by the God we worship, why is it that Christians are also the worst at destroying it? Perhaps if we believed in pure evolution without the hand of God, we would have good reason to ignore the need to take care of the world. After all, if it's only about evolution, the world will just merely morph into something else and it doesn't matter. But if it's a gift from our God, shouldn't we take care of it?

With this theology in mind, I am making more efforts to be a better steward of the world God created. I still have a long way to go and need to be more willing to be inconvenienced, but I'm learning. Here are a few ideas I've come up with and try to do. What about you? Do you have any ideas?

• When I go out to eat, I try to remember to bring my own containers for the leftovers.
• When I go shopping (market, clothes shopping, Costco, etc.), I try to bring my own shopping bags. And I try to reuse my produce bags. If I'm buying very little and forget to bring a bag, I just tell the cashier that I don't need a bag.
  
• I try to avoid using/buying trash bags even though they are bigger and stronger, and try to use up the plastic grocery bags I still have as trash bags.
• Unfortunately, I still dislike the taste of LA's tap water. But instead of buying small plastic bottles, I now buy the gallon sizes and pour the water into my own reusable bottle.
• I don't drink coffee and I don't generally go out for tea, but I notice that many people tend to carry around disposable cups. How about bringing your own cup to the coffee shop next time you get your daily coffee/tea? There are great travel mugs.
• Do you go out for Asian food much? It seems that more and more restaurants now give you disposable chopsticks to use (even when you're dining in). Why not bring your own chopsticks? There are great travel chopsticks that you can purchase or you can just use a pair you already have at home (just wrap them up in a cloth napkin or clean handkerchief).

Caring for creation is often the more difficult and more expensive alternative (especially as environmentalism become more of the "cool" thing to do), but I think it's the right way to go. And I do not believe that spending more to care for creation is being a bad steward of our finances... it's about being prudent about where the money goes.

In no way am I even close to eliminating all the waste that I go through or to even being a great steward of creation, but I'm trying. I'm forgetting and failing a lot, but I still try.

Little by little...

Milk in Glass Bottles

In Vancouver, I started drinking organic Avalon milk from glass bottles. The milk tasted much better than milk from a plastic or wax-coated cardboard carton. Plus, the bottles could be brought back to the store to be sent back to Avalon to be used again. The only waste were the small plastic tops which I put into the recycling bin.

When I came back to LA and bought my regular organic milk from Trader Joe's, I could definitely taste the difference. And I hated putting the container in the trash; it seemed so wasteful.

In search for where I could buy milk in glass bottles again, I googled "milk in glass bottles." Lo and behold, I found that there is a dairy right in Montebello (just one city south) that sells milk in glass bottles. And based on the positive reviews on Yelp, I was eager to try it out.

I finally went this morning, and drank a wonderful cold glass of milk when I got home. It tasted so good — creamy and smooth, even though I got the nonfat. Maybe I'm just a milk snob, but if I can get good-tasting milk in reusable glass bottles without going very far from home, I'm all for it.

I highly recommend this local dairy's milk. And based on the reviews, their chocolate milk, eggs and seasonal eggnog are a big hit too. (Please note that they don't say "organic" on their products because it requires special fees and licensing for them to get it. It's a small operation, so they don't bother.)

Broguiere's Farm Fresh Dairy
505 S. Maple Ave.
Montebello, CA 90640

And their tagline is so cute:
"Milk so Fresh... the Cow Doesn't Know It's Missing"

Going Back to LA

Every time something interesting happens, I think about posting it on my blog. Unfortunately, I rarely get around to it. I've also been meaning to update everyone on how I'm doing with school and whatnot, but I just have an unfinished draft. I guess I should post one thing now: I'm moving back to LA on August 11.


FAQ

Q: Are you finished with school?
A: No, I'm not finished with school. I still have 6 papers to finish for my classes, due at the end of August and beginning of September. Also, I have my field education (like an internship) and comprehensive paper (like a mini-thesis). I will complete my degree in April 2010.

Q: Where are you doing your field education?
A: I will be working under Jesse's mentorship with Kingdom Causes in partnership with CEFC. My first project will be co-teaching an adult Sunday school class in the fall on missional living. Subsequent projects will be dependent on passions, resources, Jesse, availability, and of course, God's leading.

Q: Are you excited?
A: Yes. And also very scared and nervous. If I could explain these feelings to you, I would. But I'm still trying to understand them myself.

Q: Are you going to continue your blog?
A: I will continue my blog until I finish my degree. At that time, I will think about starting another blog or just stop blogging altogether.

Q: How have you been changed by your time in Vancouver?
A: Haha... good question. For those who knew me before coming to Vancouver, you tell me. I'm still figuring it out. Danette says that I'm more "liberal" now. Yikes! I hope that it's more that I'm now more biblical in my thinking rather than just principled (or Republican). I know, however, that I'm definitely more confused... but not in a bad way. I'm confused in that I realize more and more that God is mysterious and his ways are mysterious, but I love trying to figure it out even if I often get it wrong or don't even have full certainty.

Q: What now?
A: I don't know. But if you chat with God, please remember me in your divine conversations. And be sure to let me know if you feel/hear him communicating to you about me.

Mei Lin's Slideshow

If you're receiving this via email, you may not be able to see the slideshow. You will have to log into my blog.

Memories of Mei Lin Leung from ae young on Vimeo.

How Important Is It To Be a Good Friend?

Today, I jokingly told a guy at school that he's not a good friend. He sincerely responded by saying, "I might not know how to be a good friend, but I will make a good boyfriend to someone one day."

This got me thinking... Is it possible for someone to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse if he/she does not first know how to be a good friend (to people, not specifically to the one person)? Is there a biblical principle here from which we can learn?

What do you think?

Mei Lin's Memorial Service

Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 2:30PM
Chinese Evangelical Free Church (main sanctuary)
1111 S. Atlantic Blvd., Monterey Park, CA 91754

Sharing at the Memorial Service
If you would like to share a memory of Mei Lin during the memorial service, please sign up with Wing Yee (wing@cefc.org or 626-570-8971 ext. 103). Please adhere to the following guidelines:
• Sign up by Wednesday, July 8th.
• Submit in writing what you would like to share by Wednesday, July 8th via email (wing@cefc.org).
• Limit sharing to 1 minute only (about 110-130 written words).
• Arrive on Sunday, July 12, 2009 by 2:00PM for instructions.

Donations
In lieu of flowers, Mei Lin’s family requests that donations be made to any of the following organizations in her memory:
• Azusa Pacific University (Mei Lin Leung Memorial Scholarship)
• CEFC Mission Fund
• Leadership Development

Please send checks to the church so that the family may keep a record of all donations before sending them out:
Chinese Evangelical Free Church
Attn: Memories of Mei Lin
1111 S. Atlantic Blvd.
Monterey Park, CA 91754

Memories in Writing
For those who would like to express thoughts and memories in writing to Mei Lin’s family, please mail them to the church or email them to MemoriesOfMeiLin@gmail.com. Photos are welcomed!

For additional questions or concerns, please contact Wing Yee (wing@cefc.org / 626-570-8971 ext. 103).

On behalf of Mei Lin’s family, thank you for your love, support and prayers.

Memories of Mei Lin

In the last few days, memories of Auntie Mei Lin have flooded my mind and heart. God has truly blessed me with our friendship. She was such a special lady and I am privileged to call her my friend. Please allow me to reflect on some of these memories.

• I served with Auntie Mei Lin on the English Ministerial Committee of our church for nearly 10 years. During almost every monthly meeting, she brought to our attention of specific people in our church and/or in our community who were in need. Sometimes, these reminders distracted us from the meetings' agendas, but they always reminded us that God's agenda for us to care for His people is far more important.

• Because our meetings almost always happened right after Sunday school, it was necessary for someone to bring lunch for everyone else. Prior to one meeting when I volunteered via email to provide the lunch, Auntie Mei Lin wrote to me and told me that I was very sweet. I remember making it a point to save that email because it was such an encouragement especially while our church was going through some very tough times.

• Whenever I sent out emails or support letters needing prayer, Auntie Mei Lin was always one of the first ones to respond... and I know that she truly did pray for me.

• Before I moved up to Vancouver, Auntie Mei Lin took me out to dinner. During our dinner together, she encouraged me and prayed with me. I will always remember that very special dinner.

• Auntie Mei Lin was a regular attendee of our Wednesday night prayer meetings. She often brought in letters from a young woman in prison with whom she was corresponding. She propelled us to also get involved by bringing cards for us to write notes to this young woman. What a reminder that we, as God's people, should be here to love and encourage people! She often also brought cards for us to sign for sick and/or hurting people as well.

• Every Sunday, Auntie Mei Lin always stood in the foyer welcoming everyone to worship service. She was reliably early and always made it a point to look people in the eyes when welcoming them. Whenever we had a question as to whether or not someone was a newcomer, she was sure to know because of her consistent awareness.

These are just a few of the many memories I have of Auntie Mei Lin. I'm sure many of you who read this blog also have memories. Her family would love to have these memories written down and sent to them. (They would also love to get any photos you might have of Auntie Mei Lin.)

• Email:
  MemoriesOfMeiLin@gmail.com

• Physical Address:
  CEFC
  Attn: Memories of Mei Lin
  1111 S. Atlantic Blvd.
  Monterey Park, CA 91754

A Sad Day

It is nearly 4:00AM, but I cannot sleep.

We got a phone call from Auntie Pauline earlier last night. Auntie Mei Lin had passed away.

My mom and I went out to pray with Auntie Pauline, Uncle Ralph and his family last night. Richard and Danette went as well. Because Auntie Mei Lin demonstrated no health problems, this is a huge shock for everyone. In fact, I'm still in shock, which is probably why I can't sleep.

Please pray for Auntie Mei Lin's family at this time. Please also pray for our church because she was a very key person among us. Our whole church family will be mourning when people find out what has happened.

(I'm sorry for rambling and being unfocused in this entry. I'm still in shock.)

Laundry Tip

It has been reported that fabric softeners (both the liquid and sheet forms) contain a lot of toxic chemicals. Here is a list of some:

• Benzyl acetate: Linked to pancreatic cancer
• Benzyl Alcohol: Upper respiratory tract irritant
• Ethanol: On the Environmental Protection Agency's (EPA) Hazardous Waste list and can cause central nervous system disorders
• Limonene: Known carcinogen
• A-Terpineol: Can cause respiratory problems, including fatal edema, and central nervous system damage
• Ethyl Acetate: A narcotic on the EPA's Hazardous Waste list
• Camphor: Causes central nervous system disorders
• Chloroform: Neurotoxic, anesthetic and carcinogenic
• Linalool: A narcotic that causes central nervous system disorders
• Pentane: A chemical known to be harmful if inhaled

So, I've actually thrown out all my Bounce sheets. Instead, I now put 6 tennis balls into the dryer with my clothes. The results of the tennis balls are as such:

• No toxic chemicals from fabric softeners.
• Shorter drying time on a lower heat setting (lowering use of electricity and/or gas).
• No synthetic "fragrant" smell.
• Fluffy laundry... especially those that have filling (i.e. pillows, down jackets, comforters, etc.)
  
• No static cling.
• No additional costs after initial purchase of new tennis balls.
• Downside: The need to adjust to the thumping noise in the dryer. BUT, they do NOT harm the dryer.
  

Therefore, if you want to save money, eliminate some of the terrible chemicals that come into contact with your body, and still get soft clothes, I would suggest tennis balls in your dryer too... especially if you have children. But, my suggestion is for you to invest in a good brand of tennis balls because the cheap generic ones sometimes have coloring that can come off on clothes.

Let me know how this tip works out for you if you try it!

Missing the Obvious

I'm back in LA for a visit.

Last week, I decided to go visit Debbie and her new baby. Since it was around lunchtime, Debbie asked me to go to In-N-Out to pick up lunch. When I arrived at In-N-Out, I pulled up to the drive-thru window. When I got to the window, the guy looked at me and I looked at him. Neither of us said a word for a few seconds.

Finally, it dawned upon me that I had completely missed the speaker box where I was supposed to place my order. The poor guy at the window was probably trying to figure out what to say to me. By this time, two other cars had already pulled up behind me, so I could not back up. So, I apologized profusely—providing some lame excuse about being from Vancouver. (Drive-thru's are not common in Vancouver proper, and I don't have a car there.)

I felt so stupid. I had literally forgotten how to use a drive-thru!

The guy kindly took my order at the window... probably still puzzled. After I got my order and drove out, I noticed the big bold words on the speaker box, "PLACE ORDER HERE". Talk about missing the obvious!

Next Trip Back to LA

June 9-25.

My Appearance... According to Children

One summer during my early teens, my church was at a particular retreat site that was managed by a married couple. This couple had an adorable little girl. I think she was probably 3-years-old at the time. Needless to say, all my teenage friends and I wanted to play with this little girl. She happily played with everyone except me. Finally, her dad asked her why she didn't want to play with me. Her response was, "Because she's ugly."

I never forgot that incident. This was hard to hear as an awkward teenage girl. I never thought I was physically attractive, but to hear it confirmed by a child really hurt. After all, aren't children naturally honest?

But I received a bit of redemption this week.

I was in LA these past couple of weeks. (I'm now at LAX waiting for my flight back to Vancouver.) To catch up with each others' lives, Angela and I decided to go out for dinner on Sunday night. We went to a Shanghainese restaurant (Mama's Lu Dumpling House) that my mom recommended. When we walked into the restaurant, Charice was there, along with her husband, 3-year-old twins, new baby girl, mom and aunt. It was such a pleasant surprise to see them all. But because it was our "catching-up time," Angela and I did not join them for dinner.

Towards the end of dinner, Maddie (the girl twin) came up to me and just stood there smiling at me. After several seconds, she finally said to me, "You're very beautiful."

Maybe I've grown out of my awkward teenage phase or maybe Maddie is less selective. Whatever the reason, Maddie absolutely made my day... actually my week. Thanks Maddie.

"Soul of Ministry" Small Group

For my "Soul of Ministry" class this past term, we were assigned into a small group. We met once per week. Initially, I was reluctant because I don't like forced intimacy and that's I felt was being expected of us. But I ended up absolutely loving this group. Ben, Kirk, J.J., Momin and I got along very well. We were appropriately open with each other, but did not overly divulge everything in our lives... sharing, laughing, praying, eating.

Kirk even made a funny collage for us at our last meeting. Notice the green roof that is so characteristic of the Regent College building. From left to right: Ross (our professor), [Jesus?], Momin, J.J., me, Ben, Kirk)
Then, this past week after we all finished our last papers of the term (except Ben), we had dinner. For this, we included the spouses. J.J. and Kirk both brought their wives, Lisa and Rachel. Ben's fiance, Anna, joined us after we already took the picture. From left to right: me, Kirk, Rachel, Lisa, J.J., Momin, Ben.

I don't know if we will continue to be close because we all come from such different places and backgrounds, but I am grateful for them.

Jesus said:
"For where two or three come together in my name,
there am I with them."
Matthew 18:20.

Zit Zapping

Ever since I changed my facial hygiene regimen several years ago, I rarely ever get acne. Recently, however, due to a lack of sleep and poor eating habits, I've been breaking out. But I'm glad to say that none of the pimples have gone full-blown.

Let me share my secret with you... as soon I see a pimple at its early stages, I dab a little white vinegar directly to it with a cotton ball. In a few hours (usually overnight), the zit is zapped. If you have very sensitive skin, it might be better to use mouthwash instead of vinegar.

* Note: To avoid too much drying of the skin, do not rub in the vinegar or dab too many times. Just one or two gentle dabs is all that is needed.

Community Parties

Recently, I had the blessed opportunity to work with others to throw a party for a friend. The planning process was interesting because everyone seemed to have different ideas, but since not all the organizers knew each other well, there were some hiccups along the way. But one thing really stood out for me. One of the people helping to plan kept saying that the guest-of-honor was the most important. In essence, this person was saying that whatever the guest-of-honor would want or like is what we, as the people throwing the party, should do.

At first glance to most people, this probably appears to be a great way of looking at things. It really makes the guest-of-honor feel honored, special and loved. But, somehow, this mentality rubs me the wrong way.

This is probably more of a Christian principle about community, but I think it is important in general. A party is a social celebration. While the principle purpose of the party may be to honor a person(s), every aspect of the party should not be geared towards him/her/them. There are other people involved. Therefore, it is important to consider what the other guests may like as well. The guest-of-honor should still be held in high regards, but doing things for the guest-of-honor should never trump the importance of making the event enjoyable for EVERYONE, including those who are throwing the party.

Perhaps I have thought more about this than most people because I'm an event planner. One of my pet peeves when helping clients plan an event, especially a wedding, is when they don't consider the guests enough. It drives me nuts when a couple wants to do things that suit them, but are willing to put their friends, family, guests, and/or wedding party through financial hardship, extensive time occupation, or a lot of excessive work just to get what they want.

For example, I don't think it's right to choose a venue with excessive parking fees merely because you like the venue. (solution: pay for all or part of the parking, pick a venue with cheaper or free parking and/or advise people of cheaper or free parking nearby.) There are so many other things I've seen and observed... but it's probably best to not list them all for fear of offending my community.

In most instances, as I'm sure was the case with the party we recently planned, people don't intentionally try to make things difficult for others. It's just that intentional consideration is not usually present in decision-making. Does that make sense?

When a party is done well, the guest(s)-of-honor will feel special, honored and loved... but so will everyone else!

But the good thing is that the aforementioned party actually ended up being enjoyed by everyone. It's good to know that God works through all our inadequacies. =)

The Sweetest Medal

Back in June 2007, Jesse, Wing and I joined the Pasadena Marathon Founders' Club in anticipation of an inaugural marathon in the city of Pasadena. At the time, we had no idea when the marathon would take place... if at all.

Finally, it was announced that the first ever Pasadena Marathon would take place on Sunday, November 16, 2008. I trained and made arrangements to fly back to LA from Vancouver for that weekend. I arrived on Friday and picked up my race packet on Saturday morning. All seemed to be going well except for the raging wildfires in southern California at the time. On Sunday morning, I woke up at 3:30AM and put on all my running gear. With time to spare, I decided to check my email before heading out at 4:30AM. There was an email from the marathon committee, sent the night before, saying that the marathon might get canceled and that they would send out an announcement at 4:00AM. So, I sat around and kept refreshing my browser. Finally, just a little after 4:00AM, an email was sent out announcing the marathon's cancellation due to the unhealthy air quality caused by the fires. What a disappointment!

Then, in December 2008, the committee announced the rescheduling of the Pasadena Marathon for Sunday, March 22, 2009. Again, I made arrangements to fly back to California for the race. However, due to a heavy school workload, bad weather in Vancouver, and an injured right knee, my training was nearly non-existent.

This weekend, I was still working on schoolwork, got ready for houseguests and worked a wedding. On Sunday, I woke up at 3:30AM... dreading the race. True to the news forecast, it was raining. But I also felt reassurance because Lance agreed to run the whole race (26.2 miles) with me. "Besides," I thought to myself, "It's LA — the rain will not be bad and it will surely let up by the time the race starts."

Boy was I wrong! Lance and I had to put on and take off our trashbags several times during the first half of the marathon. The rain and wind were torrential. And with the water in our shoes and socks, we both started developing blisters on our feet early on. Finally, at mile 10, I told Lance that I really needed a bandage to cover my blister. Otherwise, I would not be able to continue. He said that there would be a medic center at mile 13, so we persisted.

At mile 13, I saw a trailer and started yelling to the people there, "Do you have a band-aid? I really need a band-aid!!!" The man said that he did not know if they had any, but would check. They did end up finding some and gave us several of them. Lance and I pulled over to the sidewalk to put on the band-aids. As we were doing this, I said to Lance, "What a stupid medic center! They didn't even know if they had band-aids." Then, Lance said, "That wasn't the medic center. They're just spectators. The medic center is a few yards down." Boy did I feel stupid. And those poor spectators must have thought I was the most ungracious person ever.

After we bandaged ourselves up, I was feeling much better. We ran and walked several more miles. At times, I was ahead of Lance. At other times, he was ahead of me. Finally, after passing the mile 21 marker, I realized that I hadn't seen Lance in awhile. So, I pulled over and sat at the side of the road to wait for him. He came hobbling along in evident pain. He said that his blisters had spread and were merging with each other.

I had the choice of proceeding in front of him or walking the rest of the way with him. It was a tough choice, but I finally decided to stay with him. After all, he was planning on sticking with me the whole time even when he thought earlier that I would be the slower one. So, we walked together at a very slow pace the rest of the way... with people passing us by, with the sweeping van stopping to ask us if we needed help, and with a medic van offering to help Lance. But, Lance refused to quit.

We were taking so long that the streets were all re-opened for traffic and we were pushed to the sidewalk. By the time we reached the finish line, the timing chip sensor had been removed and they had to take our times manually (8:04:18). But when the man at the finish line put the medal around my neck, I was so happy. (I later found out that Wing had to stall the man to get him to stay until we finished. Apparently, he was planning to leave and stop distributing medals.)

I have ran many races and have received many finishers' medals, but this particular medal means the most to me. It was physically exhausting. The road before it was frustrating. And the emotional and mental decisions I had to make along the way were not easy. In many ways, this was the sweetest medal!

An Article to Ponder

While trying to do some research on Henri Nouwen, I came across this article. It's a bit long, but I hope you can find the time to read it. It strives to be honest AND biblical, but is it? The concept of homosexuality is a very hot topic in the church today... how do we respond as a community living in the world? I'm curious about any thoughts anyone might have about it.

The great "I am" -May 14, 2002
by Tony Cross

A crisis of identity is something that surely most of us have experienced at some time or another.

Every gay man either knows from day one that he is gay or has to come to that realization - often painfully - at some later stage in his life. It may be when in his teens, or twenties - or it may be deferred until later on. But sooner or later we all have to face the question - who am I really? - Is this really me?

Although at the time we find going through an identity crisis difficult, often at the end of the process we are clearer, more defined and more at peace with ourselves. Why is that? Perhaps because we have come to a deeper understanding of ourselves. We have integrated into our consciousness another aspect of ourselves that seemed to stand out but actually, we now see, are very much a part of the real me.

I started down this line of thinking this morning because I have just reached the last few pages of a biography of Henri Nouwen (Wounded Prophet, by Michael Ford £10.95, Darton, Longman and Todd). If you have never read any of the books by Nouwen you have a treat in store. They are deeply personal and almost universal in their appeal.

Henri Nouwen was a Roman Catholic priest who was gay. As he was born in 1932, he lived through a time when being gay was just not acceptable to anyone. Except to other gay people, that is! You might ask - well, what has changed? But the very fact that homosexuality was unmentionable in those days is indicative of the sort of atmosphere which surrounded gay people. It is almost impossible for people today to realize what a dark black shadow hung over the whole subject. And how those who suspected or knew that they were gay (a word not then invented) were caught up in huge doubts within themselves about their standing, both as people and as Christians.

Henri Nouwen died when he was 62 and although he seems to have known he was gay from a fairly early age, it seems he was only able to accept and integrate the fact of his gayness in the last decade or two of his life. In the early stages, like most other gay people, the disapproval of society and the churches forced him to think that his gayness was not only odd and deviant, but also evil and a thing to be hidden away. Indeed, in mid life, he underwent a severe nervous breakdown - and there cannot be any doubt that his homosexuality was the main reason for that.

As I read about Henri Nouwen in 'Wounded Prophet', I often felt I could understand from my own experience what he went through. As a gay person, I feel I can identify with him and with his writings almost instinctively. I can understand his frenetic activity. Have we not all hidden from our own innermost questions behind work at times? I can understand his inner weaving of a relationship with another man, but without that other man ever realizing how deeply it had affected Henri. I can identify with the feeling of obsession - with a man or with an idea. I can imagine the attraction of virile young men on the flying trapeze for a gay man. I can - do - feel the openness of heart and feelings towards all he met, and an outgoing love to all - a sublimation of the love of God in one's heart and the result of repression of one's natural instincts.

Above all I can imagine the torment that went on in Henri Nouwen's soul as he struggled with the desperate desire to be true to himself as against the natural and strong desire to be true to his vast worldwide public - none of who knew he was gay. Should he come out? Should he leave the priesthood and find the intimacy he craved with one of the loving men he already knew, or some other man whom God might send along? Should he declare himself and thereby possibly ruin himself in the eyes of many 'correct' homophobic Christians who were not yet at the stage where they could accept homosexuality as being a state blessed by God? Could he perhaps have a new and wider ministry if he came out - and so start to help Christians everywhere face the fact - the reality - that God created some people homosexual and that was acceptable?

The man went through torment. But he turned it all over to God. At times he could only turn over the desire to turn it over to God. Sometimes he could only turn over the desire to want to turn it all over to God! And sometimes he was so paralyzed that he could only sit still and wait for God to rescue him.

So it is with us all. We face our own identity crises. We may face many identity crises. There is the one about becoming a Christian. That is not an easy one. Then there is the crisis about accepting, before God, our gayness. That is not easy. Then there is the ever-present question of whether we should 'live a lie' or whether we should 'tell the world'. Or some alternative between the two extremes. That is never an easy one - and if one decides for anything less than full disclosure then one goes on wondering for the rest of one's life whether one has gone far enough!

Life is a sequence of identity crises. Over and over again we think we have got things sorted. Ordered. Organized. But then suddenly, or gradually, we become aware that we are up against a new problem - a new decision that has to be made.

This process actually has a name - it is the journey of life. The pilgrimage through life. It is a basic and fundamental part of being human. We will have crises about our faith, our religion, our work, our friends, our everything. So what does that tell us? That all of life is an ongoing process of redefining ourselves in the light of experience.

For many years I blocked the idea that I was gay. I had so programmed myself (because of how I interpreted the bible, the illegality of homosexuality, the attitudes in society, the church rigidity etc.) against the idea that I could be homosexual. I could not countenance the fact of my own gayness. I lived as good a Christian life as I could and I was happy. I lost all conscious sense of being gay. Except of course that I was restless. The same sort of restlessness that Henri Nouwen had. A constant seeking to do better, to reach more people, to help others more, to be more loving, always experiencing a feeling of incompleteness, of there having to be more.

Then suddenly I discovered (perhaps rediscovered is more accurate) my gayness. It does not matter how it occurred. Suffice to say that for me the awakening did not come gradually. It came like a thunderbolt. One morning I woke up happy with who I was but by the time I went to bed my whole world had collapsed around me. I no longer knew who I was, nor how I stood with God, nor how I stood in my church, nor my family, nor even myself. Did I like what I now realized I was? Did I want to fight it or indulge it? Was I sick? Or was I deluded? Was I 'possessed'? Was I 'perverted'?

Over the next decade I came to terms with who I really was, and to understand the grace and mercy and love of God in an even deeper way. I realized how blind people are about their prejudice against gay people and recognized the blindness of the churches. It was a bumpy ride. But at the end of it my faith was stronger, my relationship with my Creator was deeper, my fear largely gone.

I went through an identity crisis. And, by God's grace, I have come out the other side. And I think I have a much clearer vision now. A similar thing obviously happened to Henri Nouwen. It probably happened to you too. Each story is fascinating - it is the story of a person's realization of the incredible depth of the love of God. It is a realization of the purpose of life - this pilgrimage towards God.

So if you are having problems about your identity - don't despair. Tell God about it and ask him to help you sort out the way forward one step at a time. You may find the many helpful sites on the internet. Possibly join a discussion group - and stay as a lurker for several months while you sound out the attitudes of those posting messages. Maybe join a Christian group of gay people - discover that you are just one among many hundreds and thousands of gay Christians trying to make sense of it all.

Ask God to help you find a friend who loves you for yourself. Ask him to help you keep your physical desires in the right place. Ask him to send you someone you can share with - maybe even someone whom you can love and who will love you. Ask him to help you treat all those around you with love and honesty. Ask him to give you the grace of tolerance with all who disagree with you. And remember that the world is a big place and that your own particular worries and grievances shrink down to the right size in the light of the problems and difficulties of many Christians in the world.

Do you have enough to eat? Do you have somewhere to sleep? Do you have at least one friend? Do you have a job? Then you are among the world's most fortunate people. Thank God for all you have and ask him to help you grow to match the challenges in your life. Treat each day as a special gift. Cultivate a grateful heart that looks for your Creator God in every person you meet, every situation that arises. Your true identity is in Christ. He is our hope and our salvation.

Classes for Winter 2009

Many people have been asking me which classes I'm taking this term. So... here they are:

• The Meaning of Sacraments
• An Introduction to Preaching and Worship
• Soul of Ministry: Becoming Persons-in-Relation
• Empowering the Church for First World Re-Evangelization: Theological and Missional Themes in the Books of Acts
  

Some Nicknames Aren't Permanent

Since moving to Vancouver, I have received the nickname Pocahontas from new friends of various circles. I suppose it had to do with my dark complexion and long hair. At first, I was a little indignant because I'm not a 13-year-old girl who ran off with a 35-year-old man who came to invade my people's land. But, I quickly got over such foolishness when people merely meant the nickname as a compliment because they were thinking about the 1995 Disney film. In fact, I was getting so used to the nickname that I actually answered when people called me Pocahontas.

Last Friday, just before leaving LA, my mom insisted that I cut my hair (because she's convinced that I'm going bald due to the heaviness of my hair). So, I let her take me to her hairdresser, Annie of Annie Hair Design. I took off well over a foot of hair to donate to Locks of Love or Pantene Beautiful Lengths (I haven't decided yet). This is the 4th time I've cut my hair for donation. Usually, after initially getting my hair cut, I am in shock and don't like it at all. This time, however, I love it. My mom's hairdresser is really good.

When I returned to Vancouver, many friends were disappointed to find that I am no longer Pocahontas.

Sorry. Nicknames based on appearance aren't permanent.

What Happened to the Wave?

I just spent 3 weeks down in California. While I can get around via public transportation in Vancouver, I cannot do that in Los Angeles. Driving is absolutely necessary in LA. On one particular day, I had many errands to run. These errands included several cities, various freeways and many local streets. Because I was not in a rush to finish my errands, I was very generous about allowing cars to merge in front of me... especially when it looked like they were stuck in the wrong lane. During different times and places, I let in 10+ cars. Each time I allowed a car to come in front of me, I expected a courtesy wave. Isn't that part of proper driving etiquette?

But I only received one courtesy wave!

What happened to the wave???